Why I have been banned from the Freedom Trail

I was reading Miss Britt description of her bus trip through NYC over the weekend and it made me start thinking. If you know me then you realize that I am a total nerd who seems to absorb seemingly random and ridiculous facts. How do I do this? Simple. By reading everything that crosses before my eyes and at least skimming the newspaper everyday. (My preferred sections to read: Comics, crossword, obits ((you learn a bunch of really weird stuff in obituaries)))

In my youth, my mother dragged me to every two bit museum there was in Niagara County, NY and anyplace else that we stopped. She often included in her dreams of the events a Kum-Ba-Ya moment where we would all hold hands and recite the Gettysburgh address together. Yes, she was unrealistic and largely nutz. Hence my lack of desire to ever see another 200 year old can of peaches from the Civil War ever again. But maybe I would like to see the house of the only civilian killed during the battle of Gettysburgh. I was denied that opportunity at 10. Who knows, if I had seen that site I might have become an engineer trying to figure out the metallurgy or angles involved to kill a woman cooking in her house a mile from the battlefield... or maybe even a sniper. We'll never know now.

But one thing that I seem to be over? Guided tours.

Let me wander about and read what ever information you want to post on a subject. But please, FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN!!! don't put me on a tour with a guide and other people.

A. I generally know more than the tourguide and this irritates me.

B. Most people on those tours are dead stupid and that irritates me more.

Is this elitist?

Probably.

But since most people feel perfectly within their rights to look down their nose at me for being fat, I feel that I am entitled to do the same about them being stupid.

Here are a couple of points:

To the people at the House of the Seven Gables: When they say that Nathaniel Hawthorne's aunt went to Europe and adopted a foundling child that means she was knocked up. The child was hers. and probably the stable boy. People had sex in the 18th Century just like today.

Also from HOSG: Captain Turner was NOT related to TED Turner. Turner is a really common name. Ted Turner was born in Ohio and moved to Georgia when he was 9. Not Salem, Massachussetts. k?

More HOSG: Susannah Ingersoll was NOT "Oh Susannah" from the song. That song was written by Stephen Foster in 1847 in Cincinnati, Ohio. Not Salem, Massachussetts.

To the people in Morristown, NJ at Washington's Winter Headquarters: The easiest job in the house was emptying the chamber pots.... all you have to do is open the window and toss the mess out. Yes, it is gross, but that is how it was done.

To the people in New Orleans on the cemetary tour: The tourguide was wrong. An octoroon was a person who was 1/8th AFRICAN not caucasian. That is why the need to wear the turban was important. If a woman was NOT wearing her turban she would pass for white. Because she was. It was also a symbol of prostitution. Because it was presumed there was no other living an octoroon girl could make except via prostitution.

To the people at the John Deere Homestead: Just because I live in the city doesn't make me a city slicker.. I prolly know more about blacksmithing than you do you ignorant fucks. and in fact I did. After all, I told the tourguide about the City of Chicago Mobile Blacksmith truck. Why does such a thing exist? To shoe to police horses and to fix fire dept. equipment. Now shut up you ridiculously smug hicks. (Please note, that blacksmith pictured above, was the VERY same smartass blacksmith that I surprised....)

As you can see, it is best for all of us that I avoid these tours. Aunt Maggie and I, very specifically, have been banned (by Auntie Noranne) from the Freedom Trail so that she can maintain her happy memories from her childhood.

But if for some reason you find me sniggering in the back of the bus, or group on one of these tours, you know that I am there under duress and remember, there IS such a thing as a stupid question. You have been warned.

Open letter to my family and friends...

If I see one more Barack Obama is really a terrorist in disguise email I am going to hurt someone. Really.

This is the latest interation of nonsense from the familles:

Who is Barack Obama? Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Kyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHIEST from Wichita,Kansas.

Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia. When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta.

He also spent two years in a Catholic school. Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school."

Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that Obama's introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned toKenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son's education.

Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta.

Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world.

Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background.

Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential candidacy.

The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!!

ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office - he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Kuran (Their equevelancy to our Bible, but very different beliefs).

Please forward to everyone you know. Would you want this man leading our country?

Please note that stupid grammar and mispellings are not mine.

Now... after letting the stupidity waft into your brain (since it is expected by my family) please listen to my response.

Dear Auntie!

That is an excellent question. Who is Barack Obama? Let me help you out by getting rid of the extraneous information for you....

Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. and Ann Dunham. Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. Obama attended school.

That seems simple enough, doesn't it?

See, Barack Obama is an American citizen by by virtue of his birth in the United States (if you doubt that is a legitimate US territory you may take it up with your brothers Pete and Joe) and that his mother was an American citizen.

In America it is considered perfectly acceptable to be Muslim and it is perfectly acceptable to be an atheist. Many Americans are educated both in and out of the United States. The fact that he attended schools in Indonesia means NOTHING. The fact that most of the schools were full of Muslims is also worthless since most Indonesians are Muslim. Oh, and Indonesia is NOT an Islamic state. 99% of the Muslims in Indonesia are Sunni. Oh and by the way...Sunnis are to Islam what Catholics are to Christianity... The largest and oldest group.

Wahhibism is the sect of Islam followed by our FRIENDS in Saudi Arabia.

Keith Ellison of Minnesota was the Muslim congressman sworn into office on the Koran.

One last thing... The Chicago Sun Times today published a family tree on Barack Obama today. Turns out he is related to three American Presidents: Harry S. Truman, George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush. Ooops. oh and just for fun... he is related to Dick Cheney too.
Please forward to everyone you know. Because this man is as entitled to be President of the United States as much as any American man or woman. Remember:

E Pluribus Unum

Out of many.... one.

We may be different from one another but we are all united as AMERICAN citizens.

Oh, and I am getting remarkably tired of answering this very same email over and over again. I think it is lovely when people have opinions, but I really think you should double check your facts before you forward them on as if the pablum you are sending out were true. Stupid people might believe it.

Thanks.

Love to you all!

The stuff I can find

Another wasted night watching The Tube...

I love this channel. It plays actual music videos and you never reallly know what you are going to get next. One minute it is The Cars, the next, Moby, followed The Who. Sometimes Fun Daddy and I start watching and before we know it, it is 3:00 am.

But here we are tonight watching it again...

We never learn. Or we keep learning... since we can never watch this stupid channel without the computer. To look up stupid facts. The year that an album came out, background info on Freddy Mercury (Did you know that he was Indian? or Zoroastrian? Do you know who Zoroaster was?) I come up with all sorts of shit. Filling my head with stupid information that no one but Fun Daddy will ever want to know.

There we are watching Adam Ant sing Goody Two Shoes and a conversation like this ensues:

Fun Daddy: I wonder who that guy is that plays the butler... I bet we have seen him in a million things

Me: Maybe... who knows

Fun Daddy: Can you look up who played the butler?

Me: What? Are you insane? How am I going to find something like that?

Fun Daddy: Can't you Google it?

Me: Oh sure... I will just Google "butler" "Goody Two Shoes" and get your answer...

Fun Daddy: laughing) Ok

Me: What? Your serious? What kind of retard* are you? Just for that I will look it up!

(thirty seconds later)

Oh Jesus, I actually got an answer!

Fun Daddy: I knew you would... see how I depend on you?

Yes, I can tell that the butler from the Adam Ant song "Goody Two Shoes" is Graham Stark and has appeared in more Pink Panther movies than anyone other than Herbert Lom and Burt Kwouk.

Anyone need a researcher?







* Please note that my use of the word retard is used exclusively in the third grade sense of the word... I would never use that word to describe anyone who was mentally challenged.