Can I go home now?

I am itchy from all the little noxious bugs biting me.

The internet connection ducks and weaves better than a prize fighter. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that the computer that it is attached to is circa 1990 and has to be lain on its side so the mother board stays attached. No. I am not making that up. Ironically there is a shiny “new” CPU sitting right next to it. That is because I bought it for FIL three years ago. He still hasn’t figured out how to migrate his outlook contacts to the new machine (the lazy susan version have a cd burner).

No, girls. I can’t fix that connection. Because I am criticized every fucking time I touch his machine. He is holding us all hostage to his memory of how the IT world works.

Oh, and girls? STFU. I was not put on earth to be your constant companion and playmate. Your sister IS probably acting like a bitch but I would prefer to stay outside the argument.

Lillith? If every woman in the world who got her period sat in her bedroom for six straight days the entire universe would have collapsed three millennia ago. Get over yourself and act like a human.

I have had the “boys” ditch us twice now so that they can go out for drinks and then forget that we are waiting back at the ranch for them to come home for dinner. I have tried in the past to go ahead and feed the irritated hordes. This got me yelled at. But ironically, you either a. don’t want to pick up the phone when I call asking for an eta or b. get pissed off when I ask for said ETA. I know you don’t want no bitch telling you what to do…but I don’t know why my being irritated about this is a character flaw on MY part but knock it off.

Also, I don’t want to be told 3 times a day about all my sweet pooches misdeeds. Yes, she peed and pooped on the floor. I am sorry. I AM SORRY. I AM SORRRYY. Alright already. I get it. And she allegedly almost bit the pool man. Except that I don’t think that it ever happened. And if we knew that the pool man was coming over I wouldn’t have gotten into the pool for the moment that he got here. Ok? Again? I am SORRY.

Also, I would like to be able to know something about something. My brain did not fall out on the journey. Trust me, life would be a lot fucking easier if it did because then I wouldn’t notice that everytime I mention something interesting it is attributed to someone in the house with a penis.

Honestly. I am tired and irritated and I want to go home. Can we already? Or can I just go?

Eve of Destruction

Our musical trek.

When on a car ride of 18 or so hours you listen to a lot of music. Now generally on shorter journeys the kids choice reign. And so we listen to hours of 20 on 20 a special chore as it plays the same songs over and over again for weeks at a time.

But on a trip of this length it is essential to switch it up a bit lest you want to jump out of the moving vehicle into on coming traffic. Also, if you want me to do any driving after dark or in the rain (or as is usually the case for me) in the dark rain you are going to want to supply me with perky music from my childhood (range late 60s to early 80s) to both listen and sing too. A shaddup. I don’t care. Yes, I will sing in the car. And since my particular shift was in the rain from 11:00 to 3:00am

Luckily having satellite radio makes it easy for me to make my specific selections. Here were some of the highlights of my listening:

Don McLean: American Pie – long, convoluted and allegorical. Kids love it!
Tony Orlando: He don’t Love You – sigh. I love dthat show. Thelma Hopkins was my favorite part of Dawn.
Richard Harris: MacArthur Park – ironically unknown to me, the quintessential MacArthur Park… I didn’t realize this version was tops of the chart and the album it was on was on the charts for a year. Now I understand why there were so many bad albums by actors. I must say, William Shatner, or as we call him Chez Maman, "The Shat" has nothing on Harris. Come on... Albus Dumbledore, rock legend?
Elton John: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Yeah, I almost forgot her covered that too. As a sidenote it was fun trying to explain what “covering” was to Lillith.
Barry McGuire: Eve of Destruction. That is just how I always feel driving out there...
Paula Abdul: Opposites Attract She did what three semi decent songs and this is why I am forced to deal with her on AI? She wouldn’t have even gotten to Hollywood. Sheesh.
The Beatles: Yesterday. My favorite
Aretha Franklin: Some Petula Clark cover... Oh, I remember now, I Say a Little Prayer for You. Weird. She had to pull her voice. Since it was too much for the song. Just wrong…

But now? It is nap time.

Riddle me this, Batman?

Why do you move to the countryside when you loathe all the parts of the countryside?

I don't know. But it makes my brain hurt.

In the meantime, there is no sleeping with the windows open, listening to the lilting sounds of the native creatures. No here we just enjoy the blast of the arctic breeze blowing onto my neck. Sigh.

Going home Friday!

and yes, it is THAT dark out.

I did try to take pictures of the Perseid meteor shower... clearly to no avail. I did get the girls to sit outside with me and stargaze and yes, we did see shooting stars!

Who is the bad mother now?

A couple of years ago I got into an argument with my FIL about where the girls should sleep when they were out on Long Island.

See, when the girls were small my ILs thought that les filles would wake up in the middle of the nights, get disoriented and fall down the stairs (since of course, we have no stairs at our house in Chicago) Fun Daddy and I indulged his parents and the girls ended up sleeping in their very large walk in closet. They even outfitted the closet with two twin beds.

Several years later, this system was less than ideal. See, the girls were used to being able to get up in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom. And they were used to their way being guided by a series of night lights. The problem? Well Nana and Papa need an absolute blackout to sleep and the night lights were not acceptable. What did this mean? The girls would wake up try to figure out where they were going in the pitch dark, give up and wet the bed. Surprisingly enough this irritated my ILs.

So one day when the girls were 6 and 5, and my ILs were not at home, I switched their rooms from the traditional closet to the upstairs bedrooms that had always been referred to as "the girl's room". I even bought waterproof mattress pads lest I was mistaken.

Instead of viewing this as my right as their mother, I was berated by my FIL for blaming him for the girls accidents and because I was exposing them to sure death. See, in the room next door,(not their room) in a closet that had no knobs (duh)was his rifle for skeet shooting.

Yes, I was the bad mother. Purposely endangering my children just to defy him. Naturally, when I raised my voice, Fun Daddy complained that I was picking on his poor defensely Daddy and should knock it off. (and yes, my life often appears to be taking place in a parallel universe like that)

This week, Fun Daddy and FIL decided to try to get in some skeet shooting... Unfortunately it rained. But when I got back from running my errands that morning and came upstairs this is what I found.

Yup.

Not in the closet

Just sitting right there.

I hate my life

Imelda Dives!

Yes, she has been afraid for a while... but she seems to be over it now!

I even got her diving off the board...

License Plate Game 2007

Well we are on the road again and working on our way to Long Island. What does that mean? That means that we are in the midst of our annual attempt at the license plate game.

So far we have found the following states:

Alaska (Imelda rocks for finding this one!)
Arkansas
California,
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Missouri
Nebraska
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
South Carolina
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin

More reports to follow!