Friday, May 16, 2008

Smurf-Fest 2008

I know, I know... I have been lax keeping the blogosphere updated about the fucktard neighbors.

Yes, they are still there. Yes, they are still annoying. But there have been changes.

For one thing, the youngest, Curtis has also lost his job. Part-time though it was at UPS, he couldn't manage to stop jumping around on the conveyors. Which being the life blood of the UPS tracking systems they kind of frown on. This means that now all three of the losers are home on a 24 -hour basis and no one can afford to pay for Eric's pain meds. WHEE! That just means that he is controlling his pain with liquor. And he has a gun that he as threatened to shoot me with! Good times, eh?

Tom, or Tommy as he as sometimes known (a distinguished name for a man in his 60s) has now grown a beard and mustache. I know that the look that he is trying to cultivate is supposed to look like Dennis Hopper a la the Ameriprise commercials. But somehow the look just doesn't suggest a successful actor turned spokesman. Instead? I think he looks like Papa Smurf.

There are a couple of reasons that I think this is the better designation. A. He will be shirtless all summer long. B. Although he is not totally blue, I believe that his hatred of women has led certain parts of his anatomy to be blue. And frankly, that goes for the entire clan. or should I say Klan... cuz they are certainly racists (they hung the Stars and Bars on their porch after 9/11... it really doesn't take a genius to make that connection) and C. He often wears hats. Really, it seems natural to think of him as a smurf - shirtless, blue-balled and wearing a hat.

That meant that I needed similar names for the boys (if I may be so bold to refer to fully grown men as such... and I am).

Curtis is obviously Baby Smurf. Young, blue-balled, hat-wearing and looking to Papa for an example. Sadly, it is a bad example, but it is all that he has at home. Although in his defense, he does wear a shirt more often then the rest of them. And sometimes he seems to adhere to the rules of personal hygiene. Maybe there is hope for this younger generation yet. Oh, who the hell are we kidding?

Eric on the other hand, was a problem. He does have the bearded, blue-balled and shirtless elements about him, but really. No smurf seemed right for him. Hefty Smurf was too in shape. Smurfette's boobs were smaller than his and Grouchy Smurf is kinder and more cheerful.

As a result, it seemed only appropriate to choose Gargamel as his name. He embodies the nasty, sneaky, hypocritical and stupid nature that is Gargamel. Oh and he lives in a hovel too.

So now that summer is approaching again, I hope you are waiting with baited breath to see what my smurfy neighbors will be up to next!

I know I am not.

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