Smurf-Fest 2008

I know, I know... I have been lax keeping the blogosphere updated about the fucktard neighbors.

Yes, they are still there. Yes, they are still annoying. But there have been changes.

For one thing, the youngest, Curtis has also lost his job. Part-time though it was at UPS, he couldn't manage to stop jumping around on the conveyors. Which being the life blood of the UPS tracking systems they kind of frown on. This means that now all three of the losers are home on a 24 -hour basis and no one can afford to pay for Eric's pain meds. WHEE! That just means that he is controlling his pain with liquor. And he has a gun that he as threatened to shoot me with! Good times, eh?

Tom, or Tommy as he as sometimes known (a distinguished name for a man in his 60s) has now grown a beard and mustache. I know that the look that he is trying to cultivate is supposed to look like Dennis Hopper a la the Ameriprise commercials. But somehow the look just doesn't suggest a successful actor turned spokesman. Instead? I think he looks like Papa Smurf.

There are a couple of reasons that I think this is the better designation. A. He will be shirtless all summer long. B. Although he is not totally blue, I believe that his hatred of women has led certain parts of his anatomy to be blue. And frankly, that goes for the entire clan. or should I say Klan... cuz they are certainly racists (they hung the Stars and Bars on their porch after 9/11... it really doesn't take a genius to make that connection) and C. He often wears hats. Really, it seems natural to think of him as a smurf - shirtless, blue-balled and wearing a hat.

That meant that I needed similar names for the boys (if I may be so bold to refer to fully grown men as such... and I am).

Curtis is obviously Baby Smurf. Young, blue-balled, hat-wearing and looking to Papa for an example. Sadly, it is a bad example, but it is all that he has at home. Although in his defense, he does wear a shirt more often then the rest of them. And sometimes he seems to adhere to the rules of personal hygiene. Maybe there is hope for this younger generation yet. Oh, who the hell are we kidding?

Eric on the other hand, was a problem. He does have the bearded, blue-balled and shirtless elements about him, but really. No smurf seemed right for him. Hefty Smurf was too in shape. Smurfette's boobs were smaller than his and Grouchy Smurf is kinder and more cheerful.

As a result, it seemed only appropriate to choose Gargamel as his name. He embodies the nasty, sneaky, hypocritical and stupid nature that is Gargamel. Oh and he lives in a hovel too.

So now that summer is approaching again, I hope you are waiting with baited breath to see what my smurfy neighbors will be up to next!

I know I am not.

Inching...

And it is killing me! If I don't get into the house soon I am going to lose it. I had to go over today to accept deliver of (and less amusingly) pay for the appliances... But the good news is that most of the stuff looks fantastic and the builder decided that we don't have to vent it the hood to the west side of the house near the evil neighbors... (although I had evil dreams about alternating preparing really good smelling or exceptionally foul smelling foods to be vented into their yard. Ahhh, a girl can dream...) now the vent is on the east side. WHEE! Soon I will be flambé-ing at will... without any further fear of singeing cookbooks (Julia Child wouldn't have minded).

The bad? Well, the microwave sent over was the wrong model.. it was supposed to be undermounted to a cabinet. Oh and I still can't install my gutters until the fucktard neighbors move... and I am sure that Eric Schmitt was peeking through the blinds or the two wind mirror coating that only the discerning paranoid uses on their front door window to take account of what types of appliances that we got. No doubt, they will be upping their blackmail demand accordingly.

Oh, I did get a nice picture of the filles! And that is considering that they were peeved at me for keeping them close to me while we were at the house. Hey! There were a lot of workmen scurrying around with sharp tools... I think that makes me une bonne maman... but I doubt that they think so.

Getting Closer!

Another day... and more progress. Yesterday, I noticed that the porch was going onto the house... Ooops, please note that I have failed to provide that picture...

However I did manage to snag some others....

First the backplash in the kitchen... from a distance and closer up... I am really digging the way it looks with the cabinets as like with everything else, I have selected this item blindly. The builder asked me if I remembered the color of the grout that I had selected... I almost laughed out loud. I can't remember my own name these days. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Next, is the toilet that is installed in the powder room... yes, it is pretty spiffy and very modern. It is probably the funkiest thing that we are doing in the house... well, that entire bathroom is... I can't wait to show you what the sink will look like.. but it isn't in yet! GRRRR.

Next, is something that completely amazes me. That is the kids pogo stick. It was in the backyard when the demolition started. They asked what we wanted done with it. I said, "TOSS IT!" But for some odd reason, every crew that comes into the house to work has kept it and now it is sitting in my living room.

Finally, my last shot is of the staircase... it still needs the rails at the landing and a final coat of pain, but it looks great. And the builder said that it casts a beautiful shadow at sunset. I can't wait to see it.

The appliances are supposed to be installed Thursday... and painting should be done next week... This is driving me crazy!

Oh, and I still don't have my west side gutters up and now I am finding out that the hood for the range has to be vented out... you guessed it... the west side of the house.

Does anyone know anything about extortion law in Illinois?

More Fence News

Sometimes, I am a petty bitch.

I think that I am entitled when it comes to my stupid neighbors. That is why, I had to go take a closer look at the cut fence. It took me a bit to figure out why someone would do that, but then I figured it out. You see, my electric meter is on the west side of my house... to read it, someone would have to go through the locked gate. Nice sign, eh? When I saw it, I wasn't sure what they meant by the symbols on either side of the "POSTED" portion.... I am not entirely sure why they felt the need to add that to the sign with the locked gate and all... to me it seems to add the pathetic air of "I really mean it" along with the foot stamp of a slightly deranged toddler. On the other hand, that seem about appropriate.

Ooops, sorry back the symbology... What do you think? Is it some sort of added barbed wire element or a slightly skewed swastika? Since Tom Schmitt once told Fun Daddy, that he was going to do us the "favor" of not selling to the "blacks" and the fact that they hung the stars and bars after 9/11, I vote for the swastika.

I am dying to know what went down when the fence was cut. See Eric has always noticed anytime anyone stepped onto his Daddy's property when they were from my construction crew. Hell, they seemed certain that one of the workers was going to blow up their garage... Ahh, sweet, sweet paranoia.... I find it impossible to believe that someone actively destroying their property would go unnoticed. Were the police called? They have been so many times before.

I would like to imagine that the person who cut the fence was a black female meter reader. Oh, because in case I haven't mentioned it before? The Schmitts don't like girls either... but that is another story....

You are NOT going to believe this!

Don't you hate it when bad things happen to bad people?

And I SWEAR to God, the sweet baby Jesus and his pet cow, that I had nothing to do with this....

Really. I pinky swear.

Someone cut the Schmitt's side fence.

I admit that I had thought about this... to take wire snips and snip the part of fence that is on my property. Yes, I have dark and evil thoughts sometimes... Although as thoughts go, this is not particularly dark and evil.. just darker and more evil than generally have.

I can't help but laugh.

Of course, the paranoid fucks will think it was me.

But it wasn't. Unless wishing can make stuff happen.

Scum Sucking Extortionist Pricks

That is what lives next door to me....

Remember me mentioning my neighbors the Schmitts. Tommy, Eric, and Kurtis? Well, they are at it again. They finally agreed, with the assistance of one of my neighbors to talk to Fun Daddy about the gutters and downspouts...

Fun Daddy gets home and drops this little bomb on me... Apparently, we can get our gutters put up. But it is going to cost us $2,500 in extortion. See, everytime Tom Schmitt came home because Erick was afraid of having to talk to me, himself, Tom feels that he is owed restitution. And apparently his sense of self worth is over inflated. Additionally, they feel that they will have to resod a portion of t heir lawn. (This should shock the weeds out of their minds). I am out of my mind angry. As I type this, my hands are shaking in rage.

No wonder they want to talk to Fun Daddy... They know I will never go for that. He just wants to get the work done and will probably pay the pricks off. I can't imagine that they will do much more than pocket the extortion money... They certainly haven't been know to do much to keep up the property... You can tell that from these pix of their house... They are trying to sell it without painting it! I have lived in the neighborhood for nearly 16, and they have NEVER painted their house during that time.

I know that I am supposed to feel sorry for these losers. After the fire at their house, their wife and mother left them... She has been gone for about a decade. But I don't feel bad for them. I am sure she was pleased to say good riddance to poor trash. Even if some of them are her own spawn.

I don't feel sympathy that Tom might lose his job at White Way Signs.... I am sure that a man with his lack of imagination and education will find it difficult to find work at his age. But I don't care right now. I want Kurtis to lose his job at UPS too. Extortionists should not be allowed to ever profit.

I also feel no sympathy for Eric. I know that he has rheumatoid arthritis and I should feel sorry for him. Frankly, we always thought he had osteo-arthritis from the time he dove out his bedroom window headfirst when their house was on fire... We assumed he had started the fire from smoking pot, like he often did as a youth. at least when his folks were out of town. And since he drinks instead of taking his meds and I have dealt with his threats of acts of violence when he has been drunk, I really do wish him ill...

The only creature that I do feel sorry for in that household is the dog. It goes outside for about 10 minutes a day and has become obese lack of activity and overindulgence at the hands of his idiot keepers. Oh and also because the poor beast is used to threaten me and the contractors. Who will pay the ultimate price for that when it is reported? The poor dog, who will end up destroyed.

The worst is that I doubt that they will settle for the payday that they will get from us. Isn't that the classic rule about extortionists? Once they have a piece of you, they are unlikey to want to give it up. I am sure that they will wait until someone accidently steps on their lawn and claim that the unfortunate soul is secretly owing crab grass and picking paint chips off their house.

Either way, they will be looking for another payout.