On the off chance you thought my neighbors had become humans

I welcome you to:

FUCKTARD SUMMER

When last we visited the idiot neighbors they were flipping off ten year old girls, preventing the installation of gutters on the west side of the house, using the doggy squeeky toy obnoxiously to irritate our pooch....

And then came the long winter. See, smurfs don't hang out outside in the winter... must be that they are blue and topless to begin with..

But now with the summer in full swing... they sit out there in their concrete pad patchworked prisonyard, er, backyard playing their radio at full blast, lying on a beach towel on the concrete in order to sun themselves (maybe they are reptiles?) and cooking beans and franks. They even have a wienie timer... because you don't too much charring on your wienie...

The poochie battles have been interesting. See, it appears to us that our beloved Cinnamon is going a bit deaf, so she really doesn't complain to much about the squeeky toy. Actually, she doesn't complain about the squeeky toy at all... so now, the FUCKTARDS, have taken to calling her name... Luckily, she really doesn't notice that either.

But this afternoon, as the landscapers were planting a couple of boxwoods on the side of the porch, they came out blasting, "Get the FUCK off my property!" The supervisor looked at him quizzically as apparently he isn't used to the rants of the insane. "You are standing on my FUCKING SIDEWALK!" Papa Smurf bellowed, "Get off it or I will call the cops!" Again, the supervisor looked at him blankly, "You are going to call the police because I stepped on your side walk?" I felt sorry for him, I know it doesn't make much sense.

Oh, and did I mention that my nice neighbor and her three year old son were outside when Papa Smurf started screaming and swearing... Yeah, he's a charmer...

Luckily, the guy who owns the landscaping company, who knows what morons we are dealing with, showed up and helped smooth things over, by showing how the guys how to loop the soaker house around the new bushes without stepping into the Smurf Kingdom.

We really don't need more blue (balled) shirtless unemployed dicks walking around the neighborhood anyway.

Smurf-Fest 2008

I know, I know... I have been lax keeping the blogosphere updated about the fucktard neighbors.

Yes, they are still there. Yes, they are still annoying. But there have been changes.

For one thing, the youngest, Curtis has also lost his job. Part-time though it was at UPS, he couldn't manage to stop jumping around on the conveyors. Which being the life blood of the UPS tracking systems they kind of frown on. This means that now all three of the losers are home on a 24 -hour basis and no one can afford to pay for Eric's pain meds. WHEE! That just means that he is controlling his pain with liquor. And he has a gun that he as threatened to shoot me with! Good times, eh?

Tom, or Tommy as he as sometimes known (a distinguished name for a man in his 60s) has now grown a beard and mustache. I know that the look that he is trying to cultivate is supposed to look like Dennis Hopper a la the Ameriprise commercials. But somehow the look just doesn't suggest a successful actor turned spokesman. Instead? I think he looks like Papa Smurf.

There are a couple of reasons that I think this is the better designation. A. He will be shirtless all summer long. B. Although he is not totally blue, I believe that his hatred of women has led certain parts of his anatomy to be blue. And frankly, that goes for the entire clan. or should I say Klan... cuz they are certainly racists (they hung the Stars and Bars on their porch after 9/11... it really doesn't take a genius to make that connection) and C. He often wears hats. Really, it seems natural to think of him as a smurf - shirtless, blue-balled and wearing a hat.

That meant that I needed similar names for the boys (if I may be so bold to refer to fully grown men as such... and I am).

Curtis is obviously Baby Smurf. Young, blue-balled, hat-wearing and looking to Papa for an example. Sadly, it is a bad example, but it is all that he has at home. Although in his defense, he does wear a shirt more often then the rest of them. And sometimes he seems to adhere to the rules of personal hygiene. Maybe there is hope for this younger generation yet. Oh, who the hell are we kidding?

Eric on the other hand, was a problem. He does have the bearded, blue-balled and shirtless elements about him, but really. No smurf seemed right for him. Hefty Smurf was too in shape. Smurfette's boobs were smaller than his and Grouchy Smurf is kinder and more cheerful.

As a result, it seemed only appropriate to choose Gargamel as his name. He embodies the nasty, sneaky, hypocritical and stupid nature that is Gargamel. Oh and he lives in a hovel too.

So now that summer is approaching again, I hope you are waiting with baited breath to see what my smurfy neighbors will be up to next!

I know I am not.

Idiots strike again!

Now my fucktard neighbors are harassing the landscapers working at my house.

Yes, not satisfied from trying to collect a pound of flesh that they didn't deserve from the builders... Now, the Schmitts are trying to collect it from the landscapers. See, the landscapers employ Mexicans.. and the Schmitts don't like anyone that doesn't look or sound like them. Charming I know...

They are claiming that the landscapers have infringed onto their property by a foot and of course removed their sod.

Naturally, they are very upset and are considering calling the police. (NO! DUH! This makes what? the 12th time they have called the cops on people working at my house)

Here is the problem though. This thing about the foot? IS CRAP. a bald-faced lie.

Once again, my money-grubbing, blackmailing neighbors are looking for a pay out for something that didn't happen.

Oh, and now they use this as an excuse to sit shirtless on their front porch, drinking beer and "supervising" the work... Since a "little lady" like me doesn't understand how these workers are always trying to screw us good Americans over.

Sheesh. What a twit convention they have going over there.

After the fun

A little bit of mischief....

Yes, I got the kids home and was exhausted. So I decided to take a nap out on my personal porch. I took a pillow, my cover (so I didn't burn my skin on the hot wood) and my sarong and headed on out. Oh I took a book and a glass of water too.

But when I got out there? All I wanted to do was sleep. And I did. It was marvelous.

And then it began. The mopes came outside. With their dog, the squeeky toy, their beers and the radio. It was going to be a first class show. For a bit the music was all Dead all the time... then they switched to country music (or as we say at our house..."we have both kinds of music! Country and Western!) (name the movie for Maman bonus points!) Oh and for a bit of joviality a great discussion about how they were going to cut each other's hair in the backyard. (I believe that is done by trimming around a baseball hat... but what do I know?)

Finally, Fun Daddy came out and got me, claiming that I was getting sunburned... As I got ready to come in I noticed that my water glass had become the resting place or drowning pool for an assortment of bugs. Blech. Not bringing those back in.

So

I tossed the water.

Over the dinette roof. Now in all fairness this wouldn't be an issue if I had been allowed to put up my gutters... but since I wasn't I think that part of that buggy water fell over to the west side of the house and then on to the Mopeville concrete tiles. I am guessing that because within 30 seconds the squeeky toy began. And kept up. For like an hour. and a half. It was fantastic.

Since our sweet pooch was STILL AT BOARDING!

What a bunch of losers.

Any time I got near the window they started it up again. For hours.

When they couldn't get a rise out of us that way the head mope, Tom Schmitt took their dog to the front porch to await us walking our pooch. That damn devil dog of theirs barked at everthing that moved for another ninety minutes. I giggled the entire time.

At 10pm. Tom seem to have abandonned his goal of catching me out with my dog... and returned to the back yard... where he started playing with the squeeky toy again!

At this point, I had confessed what I had done to Fun Daddy. After listening to him bitch at me for causing trouble (he would curse my corpse for catching the eye of a serial killer rather than blame the killer) he eventually had to notice that I was right... they were trying to irritate us and all it was doing was making us laugh.

God, they are the biggest freaking losers.

The Weather Forecast

Partly sunny with a chance of mopes!

That is how we are rating the weather these days... The chances that we will espy the fucktard neighbors, The Schmitts, topless.....

Often a sighting of these fantasmagoric creatures in their naturally setting is accompanied by the sound of:

a. Margaritaville

b. Trucking

c. The Call of the Mopes, "HEY! Get off my property! Can't you read the sign?! IT IS POSTED!!

I know, I know... you ladies are jealous... You want a chance at these charming hunks (of crap). Well, you are in luck! 'Cuz surprisingly, the are BOTH AVAILABLE!

Shocking, eh?

Finally! A small victory!

Yes, Maman has finally had a satisfactory outcome when dealing with the Schmitts.

See we were trying to get the phone and cable installed. And yes, that means that something had to be installed on the west wall of the house. So I warned the installer that there might be trouble and he started going about his work.

Sure enough, I could hear the dog next door, Ellis and my neighbor, Tom Schmitt both barking like rabid dogs. I went outside to check on what was going on and found that the installer, known only to me as 6874 was backing away from the work site. "He said that he would sic his dog on me," he told me. I came around to find Tom holding his place behind the pitiful broken down and locked fence.

Me: No, you can't do this... this is the installation of a utility.

TS: They can't step on my property

Me: (Pointing to the space where 6874 needed to stand) But that is my property. And you have blocked access to it.

TS: Fine, then he can jump the fence

Me: Or I can get the snips and cut it right here where your fence is on my property to give him access. The choice is yours. Shall I get them?

TS: (Hesitating) Fine, I will open the gate.

Yes folks... I managed to make an argument that even Tom Schmitt could understand... at least for a moment.

Of course, the discourse while he was standing over me and the Comcast installer was not pleasant....

TS: Are you enjoying yourself?

Me: No....I am just trying to figure out how to get my house finished. Are you enjoying yourself?

TS: No. You better watch out. I am going to be around alot more. (Presumably referring to his recent unemployment)

Me: Oh yes, congratuations on that.

TS: I don't have to find a job for a while... I can retire if I want.

Me: Congratulations.

TS: It is going to be a really hot summer

Me: Fantastic. Oh and by the way... I hope I never find out that you have been surveilling my house.

TS: That is just a satellite radio

Me: Maybe. Maybe not. I figured out what the range extender was...

TS: That is just an antenna

Me: Yes. That says linksys. I can read you know.

TS: Well it isn't there now

Me: Don't worry. I have pictures that I took of it when I was trying to figure out what the all electronics were on my side of house. It seemed a little suspicious that it all appeared just before you went out of town.

TS: It is just a radio

Me: Whatever.

TS: (Removing a piece of siding from his decrepit house) See what your people did to my house?

Me: (Thinking about it for a minute... remember he has fussed about stuff that was big, small, real and imagined) So you say... Where is the proof that my people did that

TS: They did this to my house.

Me: We would have fixed it for you anyway even though you can't prove we did it.... but then you kept calling the police and stopped us from putting up the gutters... so, I hope you hold your breath waiting for your extortion payment of $2,500. Because it is never coming.

TS: I had to take 4 days off of work... that is $1,000

Me: A. You didn't HAVE to take off from work. And B. there is no way that the amount of money you lost as a result of coming home early was anywhere near $1,000

TS: Are you saying that I don't make that much money?

Me: Yes... that is what I am saying

TS: I used to make $30 and hour

Me: I guess the operative words there are "used to"

TS: Oh I have flyers up... I will be back to work soon

Me: (rolling my eyes) Whatever... good luck with that. Hope nobody runs a Google search on you before hiring you.

TS: I don't care

Me: No doubt.

So hopefully that is the last I will have to do with any of them for a while. I was hoping that they would move. But that doesn't seem likely at this juncture. After threatening the Comcast guy with bodily injury and using his dog as a potential weapon, I suppose I should take his statement about it being a "Hot Summer" this summer as an additional threat.

With their penchant for fireworks, I suppose I should be prepared for an arson attempt. I am going to feel better when the security system is installed in the house. How sad that I am now trying to protect myself and the girls from my neighbor.

Oh and I called the folks at Comcast and called in a commendation for good old 6874.... No one should have to be threatened with physical violence in the course of their day at work. I told his superiors what happened and that he remained cool under pressure and did a great job with the installation.

Something less creepy

After anticipating the need for me to play Nancy Drew, Girl Detective to determine whether my crazy neighbors are stalking us or not, I have decided to move on to a cheerier topic, my almost done house.

To wit:

I present to you my new refrigerator and stove...

Yes the refrigerator is enormous, but I love the all stainless steel interior shelving that can all pretty much be stuck in the dishwasher for easy cleanup and the handy window in the door that will hopefully prevent filles and hommes from opening the door constantly to look for something to eat. Would you believe that this monster of cooling uses the same amount of electricity as a 100 watt lightbulb? Well it is true! Or at least as far as anyone can tell, anyway... which works for me!

Ok... The stove is not even close to being Energy Star Rated. I confess. I am not green all the time. But I love my Btus. And the grill. And the two convection ovens. and the pretty blue enamal interior.

And you know what? I am going to flambé until my eyebrows are singed off!

What the heck is THAT!

I am guessing that it isn't a home weather monitor. What I do guess is that my neighbors the Schmitts are paranoid fucks that are watching my property or "protecting" themselves from the builders. Who the heck really knows. I know that I am sad to report that I was afraid to take pictures of the hillbilly mopes sitting there on their front porch... with their obese pooch that released to pee on my front yard.

Inching...

And it is killing me! If I don't get into the house soon I am going to lose it. I had to go over today to accept deliver of (and less amusingly) pay for the appliances... But the good news is that most of the stuff looks fantastic and the builder decided that we don't have to vent it the hood to the west side of the house near the evil neighbors... (although I had evil dreams about alternating preparing really good smelling or exceptionally foul smelling foods to be vented into their yard. Ahhh, a girl can dream...) now the vent is on the east side. WHEE! Soon I will be flambé-ing at will... without any further fear of singeing cookbooks (Julia Child wouldn't have minded).

The bad? Well, the microwave sent over was the wrong model.. it was supposed to be undermounted to a cabinet. Oh and I still can't install my gutters until the fucktard neighbors move... and I am sure that Eric Schmitt was peeking through the blinds or the two wind mirror coating that only the discerning paranoid uses on their front door window to take account of what types of appliances that we got. No doubt, they will be upping their blackmail demand accordingly.

Oh, I did get a nice picture of the filles! And that is considering that they were peeved at me for keeping them close to me while we were at the house. Hey! There were a lot of workmen scurrying around with sharp tools... I think that makes me une bonne maman... but I doubt that they think so.

Getting Closer!

Another day... and more progress. Yesterday, I noticed that the porch was going onto the house... Ooops, please note that I have failed to provide that picture...

However I did manage to snag some others....

First the backplash in the kitchen... from a distance and closer up... I am really digging the way it looks with the cabinets as like with everything else, I have selected this item blindly. The builder asked me if I remembered the color of the grout that I had selected... I almost laughed out loud. I can't remember my own name these days. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Next, is the toilet that is installed in the powder room... yes, it is pretty spiffy and very modern. It is probably the funkiest thing that we are doing in the house... well, that entire bathroom is... I can't wait to show you what the sink will look like.. but it isn't in yet! GRRRR.

Next, is something that completely amazes me. That is the kids pogo stick. It was in the backyard when the demolition started. They asked what we wanted done with it. I said, "TOSS IT!" But for some odd reason, every crew that comes into the house to work has kept it and now it is sitting in my living room.

Finally, my last shot is of the staircase... it still needs the rails at the landing and a final coat of pain, but it looks great. And the builder said that it casts a beautiful shadow at sunset. I can't wait to see it.

The appliances are supposed to be installed Thursday... and painting should be done next week... This is driving me crazy!

Oh, and I still don't have my west side gutters up and now I am finding out that the hood for the range has to be vented out... you guessed it... the west side of the house.

Does anyone know anything about extortion law in Illinois?

More Fence News

Sometimes, I am a petty bitch.

I think that I am entitled when it comes to my stupid neighbors. That is why, I had to go take a closer look at the cut fence. It took me a bit to figure out why someone would do that, but then I figured it out. You see, my electric meter is on the west side of my house... to read it, someone would have to go through the locked gate. Nice sign, eh? When I saw it, I wasn't sure what they meant by the symbols on either side of the "POSTED" portion.... I am not entirely sure why they felt the need to add that to the sign with the locked gate and all... to me it seems to add the pathetic air of "I really mean it" along with the foot stamp of a slightly deranged toddler. On the other hand, that seem about appropriate.

Ooops, sorry back the symbology... What do you think? Is it some sort of added barbed wire element or a slightly skewed swastika? Since Tom Schmitt once told Fun Daddy, that he was going to do us the "favor" of not selling to the "blacks" and the fact that they hung the stars and bars after 9/11, I vote for the swastika.

I am dying to know what went down when the fence was cut. See Eric has always noticed anytime anyone stepped onto his Daddy's property when they were from my construction crew. Hell, they seemed certain that one of the workers was going to blow up their garage... Ahh, sweet, sweet paranoia.... I find it impossible to believe that someone actively destroying their property would go unnoticed. Were the police called? They have been so many times before.

I would like to imagine that the person who cut the fence was a black female meter reader. Oh, because in case I haven't mentioned it before? The Schmitts don't like girls either... but that is another story....

You are NOT going to believe this!

Don't you hate it when bad things happen to bad people?

And I SWEAR to God, the sweet baby Jesus and his pet cow, that I had nothing to do with this....

Really. I pinky swear.

Someone cut the Schmitt's side fence.

I admit that I had thought about this... to take wire snips and snip the part of fence that is on my property. Yes, I have dark and evil thoughts sometimes... Although as thoughts go, this is not particularly dark and evil.. just darker and more evil than generally have.

I can't help but laugh.

Of course, the paranoid fucks will think it was me.

But it wasn't. Unless wishing can make stuff happen.

Scum Sucking Extortionist Pricks

That is what lives next door to me....

Remember me mentioning my neighbors the Schmitts. Tommy, Eric, and Kurtis? Well, they are at it again. They finally agreed, with the assistance of one of my neighbors to talk to Fun Daddy about the gutters and downspouts...

Fun Daddy gets home and drops this little bomb on me... Apparently, we can get our gutters put up. But it is going to cost us $2,500 in extortion. See, everytime Tom Schmitt came home because Erick was afraid of having to talk to me, himself, Tom feels that he is owed restitution. And apparently his sense of self worth is over inflated. Additionally, they feel that they will have to resod a portion of t heir lawn. (This should shock the weeds out of their minds). I am out of my mind angry. As I type this, my hands are shaking in rage.

No wonder they want to talk to Fun Daddy... They know I will never go for that. He just wants to get the work done and will probably pay the pricks off. I can't imagine that they will do much more than pocket the extortion money... They certainly haven't been know to do much to keep up the property... You can tell that from these pix of their house... They are trying to sell it without painting it! I have lived in the neighborhood for nearly 16, and they have NEVER painted their house during that time.

I know that I am supposed to feel sorry for these losers. After the fire at their house, their wife and mother left them... She has been gone for about a decade. But I don't feel bad for them. I am sure she was pleased to say good riddance to poor trash. Even if some of them are her own spawn.

I don't feel sympathy that Tom might lose his job at White Way Signs.... I am sure that a man with his lack of imagination and education will find it difficult to find work at his age. But I don't care right now. I want Kurtis to lose his job at UPS too. Extortionists should not be allowed to ever profit.

I also feel no sympathy for Eric. I know that he has rheumatoid arthritis and I should feel sorry for him. Frankly, we always thought he had osteo-arthritis from the time he dove out his bedroom window headfirst when their house was on fire... We assumed he had started the fire from smoking pot, like he often did as a youth. at least when his folks were out of town. And since he drinks instead of taking his meds and I have dealt with his threats of acts of violence when he has been drunk, I really do wish him ill...

The only creature that I do feel sorry for in that household is the dog. It goes outside for about 10 minutes a day and has become obese lack of activity and overindulgence at the hands of his idiot keepers. Oh and also because the poor beast is used to threaten me and the contractors. Who will pay the ultimate price for that when it is reported? The poor dog, who will end up destroyed.

The worst is that I doubt that they will settle for the payday that they will get from us. Isn't that the classic rule about extortionists? Once they have a piece of you, they are unlikey to want to give it up. I am sure that they will wait until someone accidently steps on their lawn and claim that the unfortunate soul is secretly owing crab grass and picking paint chips off their house.

Either way, they will be looking for another payout.