On the off chance you thought my neighbors had become humans

I welcome you to:

FUCKTARD SUMMER

When last we visited the idiot neighbors they were flipping off ten year old girls, preventing the installation of gutters on the west side of the house, using the doggy squeeky toy obnoxiously to irritate our pooch....

And then came the long winter. See, smurfs don't hang out outside in the winter... must be that they are blue and topless to begin with..

But now with the summer in full swing... they sit out there in their concrete pad patchworked prisonyard, er, backyard playing their radio at full blast, lying on a beach towel on the concrete in order to sun themselves (maybe they are reptiles?) and cooking beans and franks. They even have a wienie timer... because you don't too much charring on your wienie...

The poochie battles have been interesting. See, it appears to us that our beloved Cinnamon is going a bit deaf, so she really doesn't complain to much about the squeeky toy. Actually, she doesn't complain about the squeeky toy at all... so now, the FUCKTARDS, have taken to calling her name... Luckily, she really doesn't notice that either.

But this afternoon, as the landscapers were planting a couple of boxwoods on the side of the porch, they came out blasting, "Get the FUCK off my property!" The supervisor looked at him quizzically as apparently he isn't used to the rants of the insane. "You are standing on my FUCKING SIDEWALK!" Papa Smurf bellowed, "Get off it or I will call the cops!" Again, the supervisor looked at him blankly, "You are going to call the police because I stepped on your side walk?" I felt sorry for him, I know it doesn't make much sense.

Oh, and did I mention that my nice neighbor and her three year old son were outside when Papa Smurf started screaming and swearing... Yeah, he's a charmer...

Luckily, the guy who owns the landscaping company, who knows what morons we are dealing with, showed up and helped smooth things over, by showing how the guys how to loop the soaker house around the new bushes without stepping into the Smurf Kingdom.

We really don't need more blue (balled) shirtless unemployed dicks walking around the neighborhood anyway.

Smurf-Fest 2008

I know, I know... I have been lax keeping the blogosphere updated about the fucktard neighbors.

Yes, they are still there. Yes, they are still annoying. But there have been changes.

For one thing, the youngest, Curtis has also lost his job. Part-time though it was at UPS, he couldn't manage to stop jumping around on the conveyors. Which being the life blood of the UPS tracking systems they kind of frown on. This means that now all three of the losers are home on a 24 -hour basis and no one can afford to pay for Eric's pain meds. WHEE! That just means that he is controlling his pain with liquor. And he has a gun that he as threatened to shoot me with! Good times, eh?

Tom, or Tommy as he as sometimes known (a distinguished name for a man in his 60s) has now grown a beard and mustache. I know that the look that he is trying to cultivate is supposed to look like Dennis Hopper a la the Ameriprise commercials. But somehow the look just doesn't suggest a successful actor turned spokesman. Instead? I think he looks like Papa Smurf.

There are a couple of reasons that I think this is the better designation. A. He will be shirtless all summer long. B. Although he is not totally blue, I believe that his hatred of women has led certain parts of his anatomy to be blue. And frankly, that goes for the entire clan. or should I say Klan... cuz they are certainly racists (they hung the Stars and Bars on their porch after 9/11... it really doesn't take a genius to make that connection) and C. He often wears hats. Really, it seems natural to think of him as a smurf - shirtless, blue-balled and wearing a hat.

That meant that I needed similar names for the boys (if I may be so bold to refer to fully grown men as such... and I am).

Curtis is obviously Baby Smurf. Young, blue-balled, hat-wearing and looking to Papa for an example. Sadly, it is a bad example, but it is all that he has at home. Although in his defense, he does wear a shirt more often then the rest of them. And sometimes he seems to adhere to the rules of personal hygiene. Maybe there is hope for this younger generation yet. Oh, who the hell are we kidding?

Eric on the other hand, was a problem. He does have the bearded, blue-balled and shirtless elements about him, but really. No smurf seemed right for him. Hefty Smurf was too in shape. Smurfette's boobs were smaller than his and Grouchy Smurf is kinder and more cheerful.

As a result, it seemed only appropriate to choose Gargamel as his name. He embodies the nasty, sneaky, hypocritical and stupid nature that is Gargamel. Oh and he lives in a hovel too.

So now that summer is approaching again, I hope you are waiting with baited breath to see what my smurfy neighbors will be up to next!

I know I am not.