Smurf-Fest 2008

I know, I know... I have been lax keeping the blogosphere updated about the fucktard neighbors.

Yes, they are still there. Yes, they are still annoying. But there have been changes.

For one thing, the youngest, Curtis has also lost his job. Part-time though it was at UPS, he couldn't manage to stop jumping around on the conveyors. Which being the life blood of the UPS tracking systems they kind of frown on. This means that now all three of the losers are home on a 24 -hour basis and no one can afford to pay for Eric's pain meds. WHEE! That just means that he is controlling his pain with liquor. And he has a gun that he as threatened to shoot me with! Good times, eh?

Tom, or Tommy as he as sometimes known (a distinguished name for a man in his 60s) has now grown a beard and mustache. I know that the look that he is trying to cultivate is supposed to look like Dennis Hopper a la the Ameriprise commercials. But somehow the look just doesn't suggest a successful actor turned spokesman. Instead? I think he looks like Papa Smurf.

There are a couple of reasons that I think this is the better designation. A. He will be shirtless all summer long. B. Although he is not totally blue, I believe that his hatred of women has led certain parts of his anatomy to be blue. And frankly, that goes for the entire clan. or should I say Klan... cuz they are certainly racists (they hung the Stars and Bars on their porch after 9/11... it really doesn't take a genius to make that connection) and C. He often wears hats. Really, it seems natural to think of him as a smurf - shirtless, blue-balled and wearing a hat.

That meant that I needed similar names for the boys (if I may be so bold to refer to fully grown men as such... and I am).

Curtis is obviously Baby Smurf. Young, blue-balled, hat-wearing and looking to Papa for an example. Sadly, it is a bad example, but it is all that he has at home. Although in his defense, he does wear a shirt more often then the rest of them. And sometimes he seems to adhere to the rules of personal hygiene. Maybe there is hope for this younger generation yet. Oh, who the hell are we kidding?

Eric on the other hand, was a problem. He does have the bearded, blue-balled and shirtless elements about him, but really. No smurf seemed right for him. Hefty Smurf was too in shape. Smurfette's boobs were smaller than his and Grouchy Smurf is kinder and more cheerful.

As a result, it seemed only appropriate to choose Gargamel as his name. He embodies the nasty, sneaky, hypocritical and stupid nature that is Gargamel. Oh and he lives in a hovel too.

So now that summer is approaching again, I hope you are waiting with baited breath to see what my smurfy neighbors will be up to next!

I know I am not.

After the fun

A little bit of mischief....

Yes, I got the kids home and was exhausted. So I decided to take a nap out on my personal porch. I took a pillow, my cover (so I didn't burn my skin on the hot wood) and my sarong and headed on out. Oh I took a book and a glass of water too.

But when I got out there? All I wanted to do was sleep. And I did. It was marvelous.

And then it began. The mopes came outside. With their dog, the squeeky toy, their beers and the radio. It was going to be a first class show. For a bit the music was all Dead all the time... then they switched to country music (or as we say at our house..."we have both kinds of music! Country and Western!) (name the movie for Maman bonus points!) Oh and for a bit of joviality a great discussion about how they were going to cut each other's hair in the backyard. (I believe that is done by trimming around a baseball hat... but what do I know?)

Finally, Fun Daddy came out and got me, claiming that I was getting sunburned... As I got ready to come in I noticed that my water glass had become the resting place or drowning pool for an assortment of bugs. Blech. Not bringing those back in.

So

I tossed the water.

Over the dinette roof. Now in all fairness this wouldn't be an issue if I had been allowed to put up my gutters... but since I wasn't I think that part of that buggy water fell over to the west side of the house and then on to the Mopeville concrete tiles. I am guessing that because within 30 seconds the squeeky toy began. And kept up. For like an hour. and a half. It was fantastic.

Since our sweet pooch was STILL AT BOARDING!

What a bunch of losers.

Any time I got near the window they started it up again. For hours.

When they couldn't get a rise out of us that way the head mope, Tom Schmitt took their dog to the front porch to await us walking our pooch. That damn devil dog of theirs barked at everthing that moved for another ninety minutes. I giggled the entire time.

At 10pm. Tom seem to have abandonned his goal of catching me out with my dog... and returned to the back yard... where he started playing with the squeeky toy again!

At this point, I had confessed what I had done to Fun Daddy. After listening to him bitch at me for causing trouble (he would curse my corpse for catching the eye of a serial killer rather than blame the killer) he eventually had to notice that I was right... they were trying to irritate us and all it was doing was making us laugh.

God, they are the biggest freaking losers.

The Weather Forecast

Partly sunny with a chance of mopes!

That is how we are rating the weather these days... The chances that we will espy the fucktard neighbors, The Schmitts, topless.....

Often a sighting of these fantasmagoric creatures in their naturally setting is accompanied by the sound of:

a. Margaritaville

b. Trucking

c. The Call of the Mopes, "HEY! Get off my property! Can't you read the sign?! IT IS POSTED!!

I know, I know... you ladies are jealous... You want a chance at these charming hunks (of crap). Well, you are in luck! 'Cuz surprisingly, the are BOTH AVAILABLE!

Shocking, eh?

Something less creepy

After anticipating the need for me to play Nancy Drew, Girl Detective to determine whether my crazy neighbors are stalking us or not, I have decided to move on to a cheerier topic, my almost done house.

To wit:

I present to you my new refrigerator and stove...

Yes the refrigerator is enormous, but I love the all stainless steel interior shelving that can all pretty much be stuck in the dishwasher for easy cleanup and the handy window in the door that will hopefully prevent filles and hommes from opening the door constantly to look for something to eat. Would you believe that this monster of cooling uses the same amount of electricity as a 100 watt lightbulb? Well it is true! Or at least as far as anyone can tell, anyway... which works for me!

Ok... The stove is not even close to being Energy Star Rated. I confess. I am not green all the time. But I love my Btus. And the grill. And the two convection ovens. and the pretty blue enamal interior.

And you know what? I am going to flambé until my eyebrows are singed off!

Avril Poissons!

Or maybe not.

I hope that this is a joke.... But that looks a camera on the porch roof of my neighbor's house... Not the new neighbors that I met last night... but the crazy, paranoid fucks on the west side of the house. I had to go back and show Maggie... this is so weird. I am dying to know if they are watching their own house, or watching mine. God, I hope it is theirs... but knowing them... Maybe not. I'd hate to think that I am being surveilled by a lunatic (is that even a word?) Does that mean that they are stalking us? Charming.

Please note that window is the window that Eric jumped out of (head first) when they had their fire ten years ago. Ironic, ain't it?

What the heck is THAT!

I am guessing that it isn't a home weather monitor. What I do guess is that my neighbors the Schmitts are paranoid fucks that are watching my property or "protecting" themselves from the builders. Who the heck really knows. I know that I am sad to report that I was afraid to take pictures of the hillbilly mopes sitting there on their front porch... with their obese pooch that released to pee on my front yard.

Inching...

And it is killing me! If I don't get into the house soon I am going to lose it. I had to go over today to accept deliver of (and less amusingly) pay for the appliances... But the good news is that most of the stuff looks fantastic and the builder decided that we don't have to vent it the hood to the west side of the house near the evil neighbors... (although I had evil dreams about alternating preparing really good smelling or exceptionally foul smelling foods to be vented into their yard. Ahhh, a girl can dream...) now the vent is on the east side. WHEE! Soon I will be flambé-ing at will... without any further fear of singeing cookbooks (Julia Child wouldn't have minded).

The bad? Well, the microwave sent over was the wrong model.. it was supposed to be undermounted to a cabinet. Oh and I still can't install my gutters until the fucktard neighbors move... and I am sure that Eric Schmitt was peeking through the blinds or the two wind mirror coating that only the discerning paranoid uses on their front door window to take account of what types of appliances that we got. No doubt, they will be upping their blackmail demand accordingly.

Oh, I did get a nice picture of the filles! And that is considering that they were peeved at me for keeping them close to me while we were at the house. Hey! There were a lot of workmen scurrying around with sharp tools... I think that makes me une bonne maman... but I doubt that they think so.

Getting Closer!

Another day... and more progress. Yesterday, I noticed that the porch was going onto the house... Ooops, please note that I have failed to provide that picture...

However I did manage to snag some others....

First the backplash in the kitchen... from a distance and closer up... I am really digging the way it looks with the cabinets as like with everything else, I have selected this item blindly. The builder asked me if I remembered the color of the grout that I had selected... I almost laughed out loud. I can't remember my own name these days. C'est la vie, I suppose.

Next, is the toilet that is installed in the powder room... yes, it is pretty spiffy and very modern. It is probably the funkiest thing that we are doing in the house... well, that entire bathroom is... I can't wait to show you what the sink will look like.. but it isn't in yet! GRRRR.

Next, is something that completely amazes me. That is the kids pogo stick. It was in the backyard when the demolition started. They asked what we wanted done with it. I said, "TOSS IT!" But for some odd reason, every crew that comes into the house to work has kept it and now it is sitting in my living room.

Finally, my last shot is of the staircase... it still needs the rails at the landing and a final coat of pain, but it looks great. And the builder said that it casts a beautiful shadow at sunset. I can't wait to see it.

The appliances are supposed to be installed Thursday... and painting should be done next week... This is driving me crazy!

Oh, and I still don't have my west side gutters up and now I am finding out that the hood for the range has to be vented out... you guessed it... the west side of the house.

Does anyone know anything about extortion law in Illinois?

More Fence News

Sometimes, I am a petty bitch.

I think that I am entitled when it comes to my stupid neighbors. That is why, I had to go take a closer look at the cut fence. It took me a bit to figure out why someone would do that, but then I figured it out. You see, my electric meter is on the west side of my house... to read it, someone would have to go through the locked gate. Nice sign, eh? When I saw it, I wasn't sure what they meant by the symbols on either side of the "POSTED" portion.... I am not entirely sure why they felt the need to add that to the sign with the locked gate and all... to me it seems to add the pathetic air of "I really mean it" along with the foot stamp of a slightly deranged toddler. On the other hand, that seem about appropriate.

Ooops, sorry back the symbology... What do you think? Is it some sort of added barbed wire element or a slightly skewed swastika? Since Tom Schmitt once told Fun Daddy, that he was going to do us the "favor" of not selling to the "blacks" and the fact that they hung the stars and bars after 9/11, I vote for the swastika.

I am dying to know what went down when the fence was cut. See Eric has always noticed anytime anyone stepped onto his Daddy's property when they were from my construction crew. Hell, they seemed certain that one of the workers was going to blow up their garage... Ahh, sweet, sweet paranoia.... I find it impossible to believe that someone actively destroying their property would go unnoticed. Were the police called? They have been so many times before.

I would like to imagine that the person who cut the fence was a black female meter reader. Oh, because in case I haven't mentioned it before? The Schmitts don't like girls either... but that is another story....

You are NOT going to believe this!

Don't you hate it when bad things happen to bad people?

And I SWEAR to God, the sweet baby Jesus and his pet cow, that I had nothing to do with this....

Really. I pinky swear.

Someone cut the Schmitt's side fence.

I admit that I had thought about this... to take wire snips and snip the part of fence that is on my property. Yes, I have dark and evil thoughts sometimes... Although as thoughts go, this is not particularly dark and evil.. just darker and more evil than generally have.

I can't help but laugh.

Of course, the paranoid fucks will think it was me.

But it wasn't. Unless wishing can make stuff happen.

Scum Sucking Extortionist Pricks

That is what lives next door to me....

Remember me mentioning my neighbors the Schmitts. Tommy, Eric, and Kurtis? Well, they are at it again. They finally agreed, with the assistance of one of my neighbors to talk to Fun Daddy about the gutters and downspouts...

Fun Daddy gets home and drops this little bomb on me... Apparently, we can get our gutters put up. But it is going to cost us $2,500 in extortion. See, everytime Tom Schmitt came home because Erick was afraid of having to talk to me, himself, Tom feels that he is owed restitution. And apparently his sense of self worth is over inflated. Additionally, they feel that they will have to resod a portion of t heir lawn. (This should shock the weeds out of their minds). I am out of my mind angry. As I type this, my hands are shaking in rage.

No wonder they want to talk to Fun Daddy... They know I will never go for that. He just wants to get the work done and will probably pay the pricks off. I can't imagine that they will do much more than pocket the extortion money... They certainly haven't been know to do much to keep up the property... You can tell that from these pix of their house... They are trying to sell it without painting it! I have lived in the neighborhood for nearly 16, and they have NEVER painted their house during that time.

I know that I am supposed to feel sorry for these losers. After the fire at their house, their wife and mother left them... She has been gone for about a decade. But I don't feel bad for them. I am sure she was pleased to say good riddance to poor trash. Even if some of them are her own spawn.

I don't feel sympathy that Tom might lose his job at White Way Signs.... I am sure that a man with his lack of imagination and education will find it difficult to find work at his age. But I don't care right now. I want Kurtis to lose his job at UPS too. Extortionists should not be allowed to ever profit.

I also feel no sympathy for Eric. I know that he has rheumatoid arthritis and I should feel sorry for him. Frankly, we always thought he had osteo-arthritis from the time he dove out his bedroom window headfirst when their house was on fire... We assumed he had started the fire from smoking pot, like he often did as a youth. at least when his folks were out of town. And since he drinks instead of taking his meds and I have dealt with his threats of acts of violence when he has been drunk, I really do wish him ill...

The only creature that I do feel sorry for in that household is the dog. It goes outside for about 10 minutes a day and has become obese lack of activity and overindulgence at the hands of his idiot keepers. Oh and also because the poor beast is used to threaten me and the contractors. Who will pay the ultimate price for that when it is reported? The poor dog, who will end up destroyed.

The worst is that I doubt that they will settle for the payday that they will get from us. Isn't that the classic rule about extortionists? Once they have a piece of you, they are unlikey to want to give it up. I am sure that they will wait until someone accidently steps on their lawn and claim that the unfortunate soul is secretly owing crab grass and picking paint chips off their house.

Either way, they will be looking for another payout.