More crazies in the family

Just because I blocked my cousin Bobby's, Aunt Jeannette's and father's emails doesn't mean that their aren't additional wackos hiding in the woodwork.

The latest?

Subj: Fw: A must read Muslim belief

MUSLIM BELIEF

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry (This much is true).

The man who walks with God always gets to his destination. If you have a pulse you ha ve a purpose.

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States , especially in the minority races!!! (Quel horreur! The browns are breeding and converting! Whatever shall we do?)

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my State prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam (According to Snopes.com there was no Imam present, just some prisoner pressed into service. So probably not a well educated guy and stupid enough to end up in the clink on top of things.) had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: 'Please, Correct me if I'm wrong,but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?'

There was no disagreement with my statements and,without hesitation, he Replied, 'Non-believers!'

I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a20place in heaven. Is that correct?'

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a Little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.'

He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'

I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul Commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!'

The Imam was speechless!

I continued, 'I also have problem with being your friend when you and your Brother Clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question:

Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be there with me?'

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the Diversification' training Seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam , and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.

In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. To elect the President! I think everyone in the U.S. And Canada should be required to read this, but with the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely=2 0publicized,unless each of us send this along. This is your chance to make adifference...

Soon, I will have no contact with the relatives left!

I love that they make know effort to even begin to understand what Islam is about. First off, Muslims don't ALL believe that all non-believers should be put to the sword. Are there radicals that do? Yes, but then the guy who blew up bombs at the Olympics in Atlanta was a radical Christian. Do you want to be judge by that asshole?

Second off, while Christians were torturing Muslims, Jews, homosexuals, Protestants and learned women (or as the Church preferred to refer to them, Witches) in Spain and other countries in Europe under the guise of the Inquisition, Muslim cities peacefully allowed non-believers to live in separate quarters of their cities. This included Jews and Christians who were consider "People of the Book" as the Muslims claim both the Old and New Testement of the Bible as part of their religious heritage.

Oh, and I wonder what Mr. Mathes unleashed on the Catholics? Did he prove that we are baby-eating papists like so many holier-than-thou "Christians" believe?

So folks, you can take your ignorance and your prejudice and peddle your bullshit elsewhere.

So, unfortunately, I will be blocking Tonette now too.

Wingnut Loons

I believe that it is well established that I come from a family of wingnut loons who can't resist the urge to hit the "Forward" button on any stupid email that they receive.

This is the latest.

Apparently none of my elders is capable of double checking any facts. This was easily checked on Wikipedia

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

I am not entirely certain if this means my family is Pro-Martian or Anti-Mexican. Either way. It doesn't make any sense

Al Gore: March, 1948
Hillary Clinton: October, 1947
John Kerry: December, 1943
Bill Clinton: August, 1946
Howard Dean: November, 1948
Nancy Pelosi: March, 1940
Dianne Feinstein: June 1933
Charles Schumer: November, 1950
Barbara Boxer: November, 1940

I love a Republican email with a fact rate of 100% INCORRECT. And now I have to block my Aunt Jeannette.

Family Crap Continued

What would be too far when dealing with your family?

I have put up repeatedly with stupid emails from my father... then gotten the same email from multiple relatives.

Mostly I ignore them.

But sometimes I get pissed. I got pissed over the weekend. Why?

Well... it is complicated. But part of it is that I am the only surviving child of my parents who continues to speak to them. My reward for this is to be continuously harrasssed for not believing what my father does politically.

Now, my asshole sister, Margo Easton will buy his bullshit hook, line and sinker. Because she drank deeply of the Kool-Aid many years ago. Of course, she also accepted the assistance of my parents when she had three newborns. She allowed my parents to come into her home, sit up all night and feed, change and otherwise care for her premature infants.

What a privilege!

My parents wouldn't wear pamajas or go to sleep. They stayed up all night long. They performed this honor 2-3 times a week for over a year. And when the boys finally slept through the night? My sister told my mother that she was a drunken bitch who had no right to see those children until she had undergone therapy that my sister approved of.

Oh and that the Church that my mother believes in? It supported my sister. Without even talking to my mother. After all, as the only mother who has ever existed? My sister would know. I think that they are calling her the Virgin Margo. It seems right. After all, she was knocked up before her wedding same as the Blessed Virgin. Except my sister was a hypocrate who was totally boning my asshole brother in law while pretending to be holy. That doesn't matter does it?

So my father, out of love and respect, sends me these mean and disrespectful emails. And because he cares about whether or not I develop any character, he sends them to me whether I ask for them to be stopped or not. Cuz a girl can NEVER have enough character. Right?

Unless she is Margo, who had to drop out of college because a professor, who was a nun asked her to write a paper on a topic that she disagreed with. Naturally, that fucking cunt should just step off. Nobody should EVER have to write a paper disagreeing with the collected works of Ronald Reagan, right? Being considered uneducated and difficult are just the cost she has to bear. We all know that NEVER having to do something against our convictions is the true sign of a Christian and a Patriot.

So luckily, I have family who loves me and care about my beliefs. And that is why my cousin, out of deep love and respect for me sicced a CLOWN on me. And by clown. I mean some dude who worked on Bozo. The. Fucking. Clown. Naturally, he is a Christian and a conservative which means he was there to bitch slap me down. Cuz women with opinions differing from their menfolk should be encouraged.

So you know what I did?

I blocked the mother-fuckers.

Cuz I don't need that kind of love anymore.

You hate me so much? Go have birthday with your other fucking daughter.

Ooops. Sorry. You don't have her address. Yeah.

It is fantastic to be the preferred daughter.

Fun and Games with the Family

Yesterday, I hosted my father's birthday dinner.

Naturally, it was just us. My asshole sister hasn't been part of the family in years. So naturally that means just my girls. Not my nephews who probably wouldn't recognize me or my parents if they walked by us.

Family means alot to my family.

So naturally, you know how much I enjoyed getting this email this morning... apparently my bad for not checking my email yesterday.

Notice caption below painting !!

This should hang in the White House parlor !! (Complete With Caption !!---Of Course !!!!)

So I said to him, "Barak, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him."

HAHA... isn't that funny? Why isn't it HI-STERICAL to send political emails to your daughter who has repeatedly asked you not to? Haha! Yeah!

Then typical of my family... I got another one.... 15 hours later from my cousin. He also thinks it is HI-STERICAL to send this shit to me too... Cuz the more often I get the same annoying email, the FUNNIER it is. And that is what Bob is always telling me. I need to lighten up. It's just funny, right?

So.. cuz I am funny too. I sent this:

I'm sorry... Did you clear this through your fearless leader?

If not. Go do what is expected of you... click here

Because I think it is HI-STERICAL that every Republican cowtows to a three times divorced drug addict as their moral center.

Apparently one of my cuz's buddies doesn't approve.

Patrick Hurley: who is this?

Me: Gretchen Neuman

Patrick Hurley: I do not know you. Why are you writing to me?

Me: No doubt because you were on the email list that one of my relatives used to forward the original "Excellent Painting!!" email. According to my family, I have no sense of humor regarding their continuously sending me obnoxious email. If you are having issues with being kept on the email chain, then you must have no sense of humor either. If you are having an issue with this, I suggest that you take it up with whichever of my relatives included you on the email. Have a great Sunday.

Patrick Hurley: I don't appreciate your comments. They are judgmental and self-serving. I am a three time Emmy award winner for stand up comedy. You don't know what you are talking about. Please take me off your list. You are rude and uninformed.

Me: Dear Pat, A 3 time Emmy award winner for stand up comedy? Now THAT is hysterical, since that isn't an award category. Why is it that my family and their friends always think that I would fall for such obvious lies. Must be that sense of humor again. Unfortunately since I don't a choice about the emails that I get from my family... and so while you are on their email list you will get my responses. I am not entirely sure why you think you deserve to be let off the hook. As for judgmental, self-serving and rude? You can take that up with my family. My polite emails were ignored. What is a gal to do? You want off my end of the list? Take it up with Bob.

Patrick Hurley: I did win three Emmys. doing stand up comedy in children's shows I produced, wrote and hosted. Take me off your list. Thank you.

Me: Congrats. When I am off the list, you will be off the list. Talk to Bob.

Me to Bob: Now if the joke is that being family I have to take this quietly... continue. I hope this isn't a guy you like or respect.

Lucky me! My cousin's friends are bozos too.

Are we in Kansas?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

This is irony as two of my best friends come from Kansas.... and we had tornadoes yesterday.

I am assuming that we are just adrift in a sea of pathetic fallacy. The horridness of the weather has ironically matched my mood, which can be described at best as craptastic. The best thing for anyone is to steer clear of me. I am probably the perfect storm emotionally.

And that is saying something as here in Chicagoland we are cleaning up after this freaking storm of high winds, five inches of torrential, hurricane force and quantity of rain and enough lightning to power six major cities and enough to knock out electricity to 250,000 individuals in the region.

And that includes my Jewel. Which is less of an issue but am somewhat concerned about how to get more than two pills from the prescription that I need to pick up for my high blood pressure. Cuz you know what? No electricity=no prescription. So don't schedule prescription refills during even a small crisis.

Oh, and in case I didn't mention it, I enjoyed my time in the bathroom with mes sweet filles, trying to explain what the purpose of the civil defense sirens. and trying to keep the pooch from freaking the fuck out while we kept sweating in a 6'x5' stagnant- aired room.

Yeah. good times.

Btw: When am I getting to see this new blog that Aunt Amy is considering???! I need more Norway. Faen! More about my favorite Texan Superhero Princesses!

And Aunty Noranne? A blog about my favorite New England Crimefighting Genuises would be fun too!

and I failed to mention that yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the death of my sweet brother... I miss you baby bro... and I yelled at your mother yesterday. Sorry. I am stressed. But then I am sure you know that.

Looking for something positive.

Imelda attended the solo competition at Mother Guerin High School this last weekend... The last couple of days before the competition blew chunks of bile and possibly activated charcoal for everyone Chez Maman. Frankly, we weren't even sure that Imelda should go to the competition. But she was so excited. How could I say no?

I took her over. We went to the orchestra room to warm up. She took out her solo and got ready and watched as a much older boy started to play the same solo on his saxophone. He played well. and when he was finished, he played it again... with a jazz syncopation... like a boy who has been playing his instrument for a long while... Imelda looked at me slightly panicked. I told her not to pay attention. She took a deep breathe and started to play. In the background? The mother of the older boy hummed the piece... at her own tempo. Gee, that isn't too distracting. Then the boy ran over and started to play the piano.

Poor Imelda. She tried, but she was having trouble concentrating. I told her to pack up and we would head over to the judges room. We sat outside the room for a couple of minutes. I told her that I was really proud of her. That after everything that had gone wrong that week, I didn't care what grade she go on her solo. Just being there was worth a gold medal to me. Then she was called in to perform.

Now for you folks that remember me from my youth, you know that I used to go to these competitions twice a year... from the time that I was 11 or 12 until I graduated from high school. I know how they work and I have always tried to give my filles last minute pointers. I tried with the Angel.. she doesn't take advice and ultimately she removed herself from the competition... But Imelda? She still believes that I can help her. She even trusts me to do this... and even invited her friend Cate over so I could help her.

Now, here we were. Waiting for her to play. She didn't want me to wait at the door for her. Luckily, this wasn't an issue. She played loud and clear. It was the best that I had heard her play to date. At the end, I could hear the judge applaud. I hadn't noticed any others before. Then she started to play selected passages at a slower tempo. I knew that these were questions from the judge. And then she came back into the hallway. Beaming.

I gave her a kiss and we walked back to the cafeteria, where we had left her case. The music store had a set up there... I bought her some new reeds, a new neck band, some sheet music and a pin. The woman manning the store told Imelda that she was lucky that I supported her so much. And I explained that we had had a bad week as a family but that Imelda had persevered and that I was very proud of her effort to be there. With that, we left and wandered over to the wall where they were posting grades.

The key indicated that I=gold medal, II=silver medal, III=bronze medal and a * meant a perfect score. I knew from listening that Imelda wasn't going to get a perfect score... she had a section where she slowed the tempo down too much... but next to her name I saw the "I".

After all that happened, Imelda got a gold medal!