Take a lap, missy

Yesterday was my solo debut as a volleyball coach.

Yes, this is ridiculous. I never played competitive volleyball. I only played in highschool gym class. And I sucked at it. Nevertheless, the 8th graders needed a coach or as it turned out, an assistant coach so I stepped up.

Celia decided to behave herself.

Sophie did not.

I did make suggestions to all of the girls. Sophie took hers badly. Her problem? She wants the ball to come right to her. I get that. That is my idea of a perfect tennis game. Just volleying back and forth. Getting a bit of exercise but not killing yourself. But that isn't competitive. And this volleyball league is. So nut up and move your feet. While working on a drill to practice hitting balls off the net Sophie accused me of hitting her in the face on purpose. (like I would bother with the net at all if that was my aim?) I suggested that she could have taken a step backwards. The roar was deafening. She yelled at me and fussed. The other girls were embarrassed.

So I made her take a lap.

I guess I am officially a coach now. I think I need a whistle!

Oh No She Di'Int!

Fun Daddy, Imelda and I went to dinner last night. Lillith was invited but claimed that she had too much of a stomach ache. What-ever... Fine stay home, we said. We went and had a lovely time.

This morning I was looking where Lillith was sitting last night when we got home. Right next to that spot? Her cellphone.

Now, she didn't put it there. That was Fun Daddy's responsibility. (He really isn't good at this grounding thing, is he?) But still, she should have left it alone.

I turned on the phone and held my breath.

I checked the text messages. They were clear. Hmmm.... ok. maybe she left the phone alone.

But then I checked the call listings. Calls came both in and out of the phone while we were gone.

Sigh.

Does she really think that we are THAT stupid? Apparently so.

Fun Daddy and I argued discussed what to do. He wanted to extend her grounding one day. I wanted to extend it one week. Luckily we headed off to marriage counseling before we had to decide. In the end, we compromised. The grounding lasts an additional four days. But if she can keep herself from grousing or wheedling until Friday night, we will shave two days off the grounding and she can have the phone back Saturday morning. However, for every episode of complaint or begging adds an additional day.

Naturally, she wants nothing to do with the compromise. But the rules are established and she is responsible for them either way.

The rest is up to her.

Grounded means you stay home.

Lillith is grounded.

Why? Well, first she told me to fuck off.

And then Fun Daddy said she could go to Drina's but she couldn't set her own schedule like she is used to doing. Instead, we would drop her off at 1:30, go run errands, and then pick her up at 4:00. Personally, I was against this, as I had already been told to fuck off, but even THIS concession was unacceptable to Lillith. Finally, she acceded and we left.

At 3:45, as we were about 10 minutes from Drina's house, Fun Daddy called Lillith to tell her that we were on our way and to be ready for us. Turns out Lillith wasn't at Drina's. She and Drina walked to the sub shop to have a sandwich. FINE. We'll pick you up there. And we continued our drive.

Three minutes later, Lillith calls back. Turns out she isn't at Drina's house AND she isn't at the sub shop. She is at the mall. Sorry, she lied.

So now, we have to go back from where we came and collect our lying, wayward daughter, who earlier in the day told me to fuck off. On the way to the mall, we discuss Lillith's punishment. He wants to take the phone and two days grounding. I insist on a week of both, pointing out that she has lied, taken off on the bus, defied her original restriction AND told me to fuck off. We agreed.

Now every 12 -18 hours she bitches about the total unfairness of both being grounded and losing her phone. She doesn't mind being grounded, but she CAN'T be grounded tomorrow because she made plans. She is going to the mall to buy her boyfriend a Christmas present and then having a sleep over with Drina. And, as always, it is her last chance to do so before.. Mars explodes, I guess. She has to have her phone because text messaging is her main method of communicating with her boyfriend. It is endless and circular. And frankly proof that she just wants her own way.

When these arguments fall on deaf ears I get the follow up.

The harangue about I really don't know anything about her. How she tries so hard, but can't please me ever. I have never really loved her. How I am tuning her out. I have no respect for her (I know.. she told me to fuck off.. this seems a bit pot-calling-kettle-black to me too). That Aunt Maggie was right about me! (whatever this means) No one likes me and because of that I don't know the pressures of being popular. (Yeah, kid, nothing wins me over more than the "You are just a loser anyway" argument)

The worst? She is grounded until Thursday. It is going to be a really long week.

You used WHAT?!

Lillith has been working on this immense project for weeks. It is a model of Chicago's Millenium Park

Every weekend... every day... she has worked on this model.

For once, I have NOT been the person hosting the construction. This was done at Drina's house and her father has overseen the construction.

See, back in Poland, Mr. N was an architect. Here is America, he does design/build work. In either case, model making a speciality to the industry and apparently he knows all the tricks.

Lillith in particular was excited about the the spitting fountains... which will really be spitting water(ish). When we asked how they accomplished it, we got this answer from Lillith...

Lillith: "We used cock glue"

FD and I looked at each other...

FD, I: "WHAT!"

Lillith: "Its a kind of glue! I don't know!"

And then we thought about it.... Mr. N speaks English with a strong Polish accent....

FD turns to Lillith and said. "Could he have been saying 'caulk'?"

Lillith: "Yeah. Whatever.."

The best part was Imelda's eyes bugging out of her head and then laughing so hard she almost pee'd.

So just remember. If you are making a model of a park and need to use something for the water? Don't forget the cock glue.

Here Ye, Here Ye!

In the spirit of the New Year, I have made a proclamation here at Chez Maman....

Les filles and Fun Daddy waited with baited breath... like the words falling from my lips would symbolize the start of the New Year.... Oh, hell, I got them to close the laptop and turn off the television... that is as close as it gets!

The Proclamation went as follows:

Where as I, Maman have devoted the past decade or so of my life to the care and upkeep of the family; and

Whereas, I, Maman do not ask that I receive a salary for my efforts; and

Whereas, Real Human Beings are allowed to own possessions; and

Whereas, Real Human Beings are allowed to have feelings just like everybody else,

NOW

Therefore be it resolved that:

Maman be recognized as a real human being with all the attendants of property ownership and actual feelings that can be hurt....

Thank you.

Will the girls get the hint and move their crap out of my bathroom? Time will tell...

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Let this serve as a warning to the next person to make fun of my personal foibles in front les filles. Enjoy yourself, while you are giggling over your joke.

Because if les filles pick up on that joke and use it as a weapon of disrespect against me, the laugh may be your last.

I hereby vow that I will kick you until you're dead.

Are we clear on that?

Good.

Things that you should avoid saying to me

Yes, I know that is should go without saying that these phrases should be stricken from the brains of mes filles... however, in case they are ever inclined to read my blog (trust me, I won't be holding my breath) here are some handy pointers:

• You are ruining my life!
• You like (fill in sister's name) better!
• Leave me alone!
  
• Can you manage to clean this house up?
• You did nothing today!
• Put in the code for cartoons.
• Put in the code for my computer.
• Can you take me to the mall?
• I hate that (fill in the blank about dinner).
• Screw you bitch (isn't that everyone's holiday favorite?)!
• You don't respect me as an individual!
• That is not how we do it at our school!
• Stop putting words in my mouth!
• You never trust me!
  
• Can I go over to (fill in the name of the kid)'s house?
• I hate you!
• You always let (fill in name of sister) do that!
• You don't love me
• Yeah, right! (sarcasm and eye-rolling are the stress inducing elements)
• What-Ever!

That is a good beginning... no doubt I will be amending it over time!